Stepping Out Into the Void

I probably will not write in this blog more than once a week, and then usually after a class while I’m still riding high on the excitement. I always leave class in a jitter of nerves; I love listening to other students share their essays, which are always intimidatingly good, but then it’s my turn and I get hives and a hot, red face. Not an attractive look for me.  I’m not afraid to speak in front of an audience, but I am afraid to share what I write. In the ten years or so that I’ve been taking classes it has never gotten easier.

The first essay is not due for another two weeks, so I wanted to jump the gun and get something up here that I’ve already written and let everyone know the kind of thing I like to write. I learned about jumping the gun from a Frederick Pohl science fiction novel; it may have been Beyond the Blue Event Horizon or it may have been a subsequent one. The universe was about to explode and start over. The hero, Robinette Broadhead, and his little band had figured out that if they flew to particular coordinates, stepped out into the void in their space suits, and opened their helmets at an exact time, their deaths would release their DNA at the optimal moment to re-mix with the primordial soup and re-create the human race. (I may have some of these details wrong; it’s been decades since I read the book where this happened. I prefer Gateway when I’m in the mood to reread Pohl.)

Anyway, they stepped out of the spaceship and started the countdown. Then Broadhead, because he was that kind of guy, deliberately opened his helmet a couple of seconds early. I’ve always thought that was incredibly cool, to break the rules and open oneself up to risk like that. In the spirit of Robinette Broadhead, then, there are times when I take a chance and step out “too early.” So far it’s never had negative results. In fact, before I started my very first literature class with Professor K, before I even met him, I sent him an email with a short sample of my wilder writing. If he didn’t care for my brand of nonsense I wanted to know up front. He not only sent me a positive response, he challenged me to read my piece in front of the class the first night. Yikes! But, having opened my helmet to risk, I had no choice but to follow through. Successfully, thank goodness. And that’s the way Professor K is. He’s always up for a challenge and he’ll always challenge you right back.

In 2000 a woman claimed to find a deep-fried chicken head in a box of chicken from McDonald’s. The story and the graphic, unforgettable photograph of the chicken head showed up in every large newspaper in the country. I thought it was a natural hook for a Seinfeld parody.

Seinfeld’s Missing “Crunch” Episode Found!

Dateline: The Leek, 2000 (with apologies to The Onion)

“What is it with writers and trains?” Jerry Seinfeld modestly denies being in the same league as writers Ernest Hemingway and T.E. Lawrence but, like them, he lost an important manuscript in or around a train station. Unlike theirs, Seinfeld’s has turned up. The original script, damp and musty but still legible, was found inside a rat-nibbled padded envelope near a mangled messenger bike, deep beneath New York City’s Penn Station. Security spokespersons say it is too soon to know how the script came to be there or what might have become of the messenger. Investigations continue.

While Seinfeld has only the vaguest memory of writing the script he has no doubt of its authenticity. “Oh, it’s classic Seinfeld, all right.”

“Vintage,” agrees co-star Michael Richards.

Seinfeld and his former cast members are exultant over the find and plan to perform the show in a reunion special on Comedy Central.

The following is a brief summary of the plot:

Kramer is lining the walls of his apartment with Jerry’s cereal supply in anticipation of a new energy crisis. “Oh, yeah! Cardboard boxes are great insulation! Ask any homeless guy! Refrigerator cartons are selling like condos out in the alley!”

George sees Jerry throw away some papers containing his signature. Unemployed (again) and desperate for cash, George steals them and sells them on eBay as “autographs.” Caught, he resorts, yet again, to illeism. “George didn’t do it! George didn’t think you’d mind! Please don’t sue George!”

Elaine finds a deep-fried duck head in her takeout moo goo gai pan, and spends the night in her bathroom alternately vomiting and dialing 911 for help. “Pick up, pick UP!  [blugh, spew]  I know you’re there!”

Jerry, following in the aspirational footsteps of stand-up comedian Pat Paulsen, comic strip character Pogo Possum, and Mad Magazine cover boy Alfred E. Neuman, is running for President of the United States, but having trouble coming up with a slogan. When Kramer suggests, “What; I should worry?” Jerry snarls, “Newman!”

Break Some Rules: Try New Things

I have always believed that a person who lives a completely law-abiding life is a person who has not fully experienced life.  My experiences with disregarding the law have been pretty much limited to parking tickets and one driving-too-fast ticket. No, Officer, I was not speeding.  Speeding implies intent, and I did not intend to be driving X miles over the speed limit; I just got distracted for a second and didn’t realize. Plus it was a glorious spring morning and I had the road to myself, and I was feeling wild and free.

For the parking tickets I had no excuse; I paid the damn things.

Anyway, I have always been a student who sits in the front row of a classroom, mainly so I can be sure of hearing the professor, because I don’t hear very well.  But the other day I was late for my first class, the seat I usually like was taken, and on a whim, I sat in the back.  Gave it a kind of test drive.  And I like it!  It feels more relaxed compared to the front row.  Also, there are guys back here!

This class is about writing creative nonfiction essays, and the first rule about writing creative nonfiction is that you cannot tell absolute lies.  So, in the interests of full disclosure, I confess that none of us in this back row are bad kids.  We’re adults.

I plan to upload the essays I write in class and also a few others that I have backlogged.  I’m tired of them sitting in Word files, neglected.  I’m hoping to have a lot of fun with the essays.  And I’m staying in the back row!